Monday, April 12, 2010

I Hate Tim Duncan

Tim Duncan is a great basketball player, one of the best power forwards to ever play the game. Despite this fact... I hate Tim Duncan.

Just to be clear, I do not hate Tim Duncan as a person... partly because I have never met Tim Duncan... but mostly because I'm awesome. [1] What I hate about Tim Duncan is that he has never in his 12 years of playing in the NBA ever ever eeeeever committed a foul. Every time he is whistled for a violation of any sort his eyes bulge, his mouth drops opens, and he is appalled by the absolute injustice being committed against him. You would think in 12 years it would be possible to commit a foul just by accident... Well no, you're wrong [2], Mr.Duncan (or the "Big Fundamentals" as he is called by Shaq) is fundamentally incapable of committing a foul.

Having a foul called on you is no reason to react so dramatically. However, the following fictional scenarios are...





If you happen to be a guest on The Maury Show...






or...




If your doctor informs you of your genital herpes...






and finally...




If your irresponsible parents leave you home without any adult supervision at which point two incompetent burglars decide to burglarize your home. At which point you design a kooky plan to stop said burglars. You eventually stop these burglars with the help of what I can only assume to be a crazy old man neighbor pedophile. Note: You can also react the same way if your parents [3] send you on a plane to New York City without adult supervision, where by a strange twist of fate, the same burglars attempt to burglarize the home you have broken into unlawfully after committing identity theft in an upscale hotel with a zany [4] staff. You will then defeat these burglars with an equally kooky plan and with the assistance of what I can only assume to be a crazy pigeon lady pedophile...




In conclusion... somebody tell Tim Duncan to stop complaining about fouls... it's annoying.



_____________________________
1. An understatement.
2. And a douche.
3. WHERE THE FUCK IS CHILD SERVICES?!?!?
4. Zany is Hollywood code for foreigners.